A day in April
Truth telling time. Today, knowing all that I know about trauma, I lost it on my 6 year old. I screamed at him and pointed my finger at him and then walked away from him. After seeing the fear in his face, I walked across the short hallway and asked my 17 year old to get him so I could have a minute, or let's be real like 10 minutes. I went from irrational anger to irrational guilt because "I should know better." This my friends is reality, imperfection. This is life when there is little margin because well, Covid 19 and all that that brings. Working from home and homeschooling, everyone at home and no schedule even though you try really hard, and job loss and stay at home rules and your room that smells like urine because six year old comes to bed in the middle of night and daddy forgot to put a pull up on you, which I have done as well on occasion. The forgetting the pull up, not peeing in the bed...
I know that there are processing issues and maybe some language issues and for sure some developmental gaps and most of the time I have an underlying awareness of all those setting my expectations accordingly and using the tools and strategies, but today my own brokenness and frustration got in the way.
There have been many days during this time at home, where we have experienced beauty, rest, connection, fun and play. BUT today, not today, at least not right now. I do know that there is still time in the day to re-connect and I am thankful for that. There is always space for forgiveness, both of ourselves and of one another.
Once I regulated myself, I then went to little man and looking into his eyes, asked for his forgiveness. His initial response was no and this was okay. Just because I ask doesn't mean he has to forgive me in that very moment. I asked him if I could play with him. He said yes and we went on to build Legos as directed by him. Following his play scheme builds connection. We played and laughed and repaired.
That night when I put him to bed, we read and prayed and I took a moment to apologize again and ask for his forgiveness. He said "of course I forgive you mommy. You did make me sad, but I forgive you."
There in the imperfection of relationship, the imperfection of the world, we were able to forgive and repair because we trust each other. It's not pretty and it's not efficient but boy oh boy is it worth it!
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" Colossians 3:13